The Great Matzah Ball Debate: Part 2 – Like a lifesaver, let them float

By Capt. Beachballberg

(Editor’s note) – In the spirit of lively discussion at the seder table, we bring you these arguments about a staple of the Pesach meal: The humble matzoh ball. (click here for Part 1 of the Great Matzah Ball Debate).  These may or may not have been contributed by Joel Magalnick, president of Temple Beth Ora in Edmonton, and are reprinted from the now-defunct JTNews, where Joel served as editor for the last 13 of its 90-year existence.

There is nothing I hate worse than having to bring a hacksaw to my seder table. Not only that, when baseball season begins, I don’t want some joker thinking it’s funny to pull a matzoh ball out of our soup pot to make the first pitch. This is why matzoh balls must be fluffy.

Not to mention the Passover seder itself. We’re talking about a big meal here, folks. If for no other reason than to save yourself for the delectable food ahead, the matzoh balls and the soup must be light. How on earth are we going to get through egg soup, charoset on matzoh, four more cups of wine (plus the required ones), salad, gefilte fish, roasted chicken, kugel, steamed asparagus, and the afikomen if we’ve got a lead weight taking up half of our tummies?

That says nothing about the taste, either. A hard matzoh ball is like a fortress. It doesn’t allow the flavors of the soup—whether it’s the vegetables in the stock or the oils from the chicken—to filter through and make each and every bite delectable. Sure, they fall apart. But they’re supposed to! If the ball comes apart easily, then an equal amount of ball, soup and vegetable can fit into the spoon. That’s every flavor, with no excavating required. What more could you ask for?

Another thing to think about: when the Hebrews were escaping from Egypt, how many of them do you think would haul a bag filled with big, round rocks? None? Good answer.

Then there’s the whole age discrimination part of the argument. How many times has an older member of the family come to the seder, bitten into a heavy matzoh ball, and then they can’t find their teeth? How many teething babies, anxious to enjoy their very first seder, turn their backs on Judaism for the rest of their lives because that first matzoh ball impacted their first little tooth and now there’s no way they’ll ever try that stuff again?

Fluffy and floaty is better. There’s no doubt about it. I know this is an election year, and the advertising is gonna get messy, but I feel that I too must go negative on these hard, undercooked, dense matzoh balls, if you can call them that. It’s fluffy or nothin’. If it must be a choice between the hard matzoh ball lovers and the terrorists, then I for one am with the terrorists.