Carrying grief through a season of light

By Sarah Karesa, M.Ed., R.Psych

Editors note: This article was written before the horrific mass shooting at Bondi Beach in Australia on the first night of Chanukah. 

(Edmonton) – For many, the holiday season is a time filled with joy, connection, and celebration; a period where we are all encouraged to engage in practices that reflect a sense of warmth, tradition, and togetherness. But for those who are grieving, this same season can feel very different. The light that warms our hearts and our homes during Hanukkah can become a painful reminder of those things that we have lost (e.g., our loved ones, our traditions, and even our past selves who enjoyed these special days). We feel the pressure to pretend that everything is okay when, in reality, we are struggling with the heaviness and unavoidability of our grief. To those who are grieving, everything is not okay.

Even though we cannot change the holiday season itself – the expectations, the gatherings, and the painful reminders – we can gently shift how we start to approach it. Coping begins by giving ourselves permission to show up honestly, without forcing enjoyment or hiding what hurts. It may mean setting new boundaries, simplifying traditions, or creating space for quiet moments of reflection. It might look like honouring your loved one in a small, intentional way, or seeking support from people who understand. By orienting ourselves with compassion rather than pressure, we can move through Hanukkah, or any other holiday, in a way that feels more grounded, more honest, and ultimately more supportive to our grieving hearts.

How do we start to orient ourselves differently and gently shift how we approach this time of year? First, consider your expectations for the holiday season – what is the image you have in your head when you think about Hanukkah? For some, it might be a lively gathering filled with delicious food, cherished rituals, and the warm bustle of hosting a large crowd. For others, it might look like a quieter evening with a simple meal shared between friends and family.  Whatever your image may be, it is shaped by memories, hopes, and the ways you have celebrated in the past. Know that this does not need to be the case every year; part of grieving is loosening the grip of old expectations and allowing yourself to approach the season in a way that feels more manageable and comfortable. Ask yourself: What is truly necessary and important for me to include this year? What might be nice to have, but is not essential? What do you simply not have capacity for right now but might return to in future years? By taking stock of what we can and cannot do, we create space to be intentional, genuine, and honest in our holiday practices, making room to navigate our grief with greater compassion.

Second, know that carrying grief during Hanukkah is not about avoiding or minimizing what you are feeling. Rather, it’s about deepening your relationship with grief and allowing it to be present in ways that make it meaningful and manageable. What this means could look different for everyone. For some, this might mean planning for moments of quiet reflection to acknowledge how this time of year shapes your grief. For others, it might involve bringing the loved one into the celebrations themselves – saving a place for them at the table, sharing stories that keep their memory alive, or embracing their favourite activities, foods, or traditions. Don’t be afraid to make new memories or traditions that honour the grief you, and others, may be experiencing. By giving yourself intentional opportunities to stay connected to both your loved one and your grief, you create space for comfort, authenticity, and even tenderness amid the holiday season.

As important as it is to honour your grief over the holidays, it is equally as important to allow yourself breaks – the third way we can gently shift our approach to the holiday season. Breaks are moments that help you preserve the emotional energy you need to cope with demands of the season. They offer space for you to breathe and process – a chance to pause, let your grief out, and gather yourself. These breaks can be short or long, planned or unplanned, and involve any sort of activity (self-care or even sitting quietly on your bed). They can also involve other people – often a supportive other who can cover for you, create space when you need it, and help ensure you take the time necessary to care for yourself in grief. Breaks are an essential part of coping with grief over the holidays; by honouring your needs and giving yourself these moments of rest, you create the capacity to engage more fully in meaningful experiences, connect with loved ones, and navigate the season with greater resilience and compassion.

As Hanukkah moves closer, and the reality of your losses become more present amidst the painful reminders that may surround you – remember to take care of yourself. Give yourself permission to be honest with yourself about what you need and allow yourself the space and latitude to provide it. Adjust your expectations, acknowledge your grief, and make room for moments of pause, reflection, and gentle connection. By approaching the season with intentionality, flexibility, and kindness toward yourself, you will create a way to navigate the holidays that honours both your loss and your resilience and, in doing so, you will allow the light of the season to shine in and offer warmth amidst the heartache.

Sarah Karesa is Counselling Program Manager, Edmonton Healing Centre at Jewish Family Services Edmonton.